Have you tried to meditate? Oh, Fuck off.

Have you tried to meditate? Because I found it really helped me……

Oh fuck off already. 

Have you used St. John’s Wart?
Have you checked your thyroid?
Have you been exercising regularly?  
Do you practice yoga?
Have you done Cognitive Behavior Therapy? You just need to learn to combat your negative thinking. 
A multivitamin?
Do you use a sun lamp? 
Have you snapped a rubberband to your wrists when you want to cut?
Scratch that (pun intended), have you held an ice cube? 
Have you gone for a walk?  Taken a shower? Had a bubble bath? Made yourself a cup of tea? Watched a funny movie?
Have you done something nice for yourself? Self-Care. A mani/pedi? A facial? Retail Therapy?
A massage? Human touch is powerful, especially if you aren’t getting any. 

Have you tried mindfulness?
What about acupuncture?
What about an ayurvedic doctor? Eating bananas is bad for lethargy
Have you investigated your gut bacteria?
Cut all sugars out of your diet? That got rid of my anxiety
Reiki?

A Support Group?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy? Marsha Linehan has all the answers.

Have you been looking for a new job? That could change your mind about committing suicide. 
Fuck off, really? And anyways, who has time for job applications when you are planning your trip to Switzerland to be euthanized.  There are a lot of logistics involved. 
Have you been dating?  
Like Fuck off to that one a hundred times over, seriously fuck off.  As if love could save the day.
Have you thought about volunteering? Giving back can you make you feel so much better.
Fuck off, do you know what I do for a living?
What about volunteering at an animal shelter? 

Have you twirled yourself around counter-clockwise three times, leaped up into the air while yelling “Abracadaba!” ? That’ll definitely do the trick. 

But honestly, are you doing everything humanly possible, everything within your personal control, to get better? 
Fuck off.