Not Today

What do we say to the God of Death?

Not Today. 

I am at a strange moment in my life. I tried to build a new life for myself diligently, escaping what felt like a toxic narrative loop, and even embraced the uncertainty of how it would turn out.  Then it came crumbling down in a split second.  And standing amongst the rubble, the question lurks, do I want to try this all over again.

I repeatedly ask myself the nagging question, why do people wake up each day and live, what motivates them ,what are they living for – Do they have purpose? Is it their children? Their work? Life’s little pleasures? Or do they simply fear death?

While asking myself these questions, I couldn’t find the reason to keep doing it myself, I turned back to suicide and started investigating options again. I won’t get into again in detail, but the world surely doesn’t make it easy to do. 

When I spoke with my therapist, I said I can’t find a way forward to live, to find a will to live, and figuring out how to die, is hard too, how do I do it effectively, ethically. 

Her response to me was simple. Why don’t you stop trying to find a way to live or trying to find a way to die.  Can’t you “Just Be” ?

“Just Be.” Like living life in default mode.  “Just Be.”  And it resonated.

People often compliment my bravery and perseverance, that I continually take steps to make changes in my life — like challenging an abusive boss, quitting my job, and moving abroad, etc.  That fight in me, they say, the strength it shows.  It’s inspiring. 

When overwhelmed by the future, overcome by my hopelessness, people have told me to be “present” and practice mindfulness.  To express gratitude. 

But what I heard from my therapist was different. 

She didn’t tell me to be present and grateful, she said “Just Be.”

Don’t TRY to live, don’t TRY to die.  Take a break, a rest, just stop exerting all the effort.
JUST BE. 

It was liberating.

A lot of depressed people are viewed as complacent, wallowing in their own misery, unable to make the positive changes in their life to be happy and fulfilled.  Still retaining control of their own destiny, but having a hard time identifying that control and doing something with it. 

But my therapist was giving me permission to Just Be.  To not fix it, to not figure it out, to not have answers on moving forward.   And she didn’t pressure me to choose life over death.  And with that I was reminded that choosing death is not easier than choosing life unfortunately, the world makes it hard to execute.  And as I’ve said in previous posts, I am just so so tired.

So at the very least, I can also say to the God of Death, not today.