I’m over it

So I just tried to confide in a friend – regarding my suicide attempt and to complain that our mutual friend who knew the day of when it happened, wrote to me in the aftermath about other topics, but did not circle back to ask me how I was doing.

The conversation is as follows:

“Why did you do it?”
“I’ve been suicidal for years, I cycle back and forth, I’ve had this illness since I was 12, things have been hard for the past few years and I fell into a hole and haven’t been able to crawl out of it, so cycling suicide ideations/attempts are a natural part of that. Going too deep into the trigger this time isn’t helpful, it just makes it seem like it’s about something specific that it’s not.”

“But do you know what the root cause is?”
“I have an illness – it’s bio-chemical/environmental.  Dissecting my diagnosis and treatment isn’t helpful, I just wanted a friendly face to talk to.”

“Well, all I can say is don’t expect too much.  Everyone is suffering even if they aren’t suicidal and they aren’t able to offer help.  Our friend is a mother with two children and a lot going on and you can’t expect…”

……

Don’t expect too much.  That fucking refrain again.  Everyone is suffering even if they are not suicidal. Cue, I lose my shit and hang up.     

……

Follow up text: “Look, I don’t know what to say, I’m not a therapist.”

……

I’m over it.  I’m over people.  Fuck everyone.  Is validation actually so contrary to human nature and instincts?

Can you just say that shit is hard and I’m sorry for your pain? I value you and your life and don’t want to lose you.  

This is when I get angry and spiteful and want to say, when I’m dead, I hope the guilt eats you up inside and makes you go crazy.