Crumbs

In my most vulnerable states, I know I have a tendency to accept crumbs of affection from people I’m crushing on.  People who come into my life, express some initial level of interest, throw me some crumbs even if I’m skeptical, and once I get the crumbs, consume just the most basic, tiniest bit of flattery or interest, I am hooked.   And even when their affection is actually fleeting, inadequate, or insufficient, — and there are red flags that they could even be a bad person, potentially abusive, or maybe just totally unavailable, boundaried, I stick around, accepting the crumbs, chasing the crumbs, still starving but unable to change directions.  I’ve never understood the psychology of my crushes, are they all narcissists who like to keep me in their lives to boost their fragile egos?  Is this how they treat everyone? Why do they choose to expend the energy to keep me in their lives in this limited capacity?

But their psychology really doesn’t matter – does it? When there is no crush is in my life, I’m fiercely independent, I am not needy, I don’t get into bad relationships – it seems like no one is interested in that with me anyhow as I explain in my Love is Off Limits post.   When I’m getting crumbs, I take them, I might try to demand more, but for the most part, I don’t feel worthy or entitled to more, so my pleas are usually indirect and some bullshit attempt to manipulate someone who is far better at manipulation than I am.  I get crumbs, and I give everything. I shower a person with affection, compliments, attention – and from the most genuine place in my heart.   In my highly infatuated state, this is genuine – but of course, a part of myself in the back of mind, wonders, if this type of affection is so highly addictive for me, won’t they feel the same way? Won’t they want someone who cherishes and celebrates them, but who is highly accomplished and devoted to work and her friends and family and not demanding or possessive, — won’t they want that in their lives?  But they don’t.

Crumbs make me hungry – whereas normally my appetite for affection is suppressed.  And when my friends tell me I deserve more, I deserve better than crumbs, it’s not that I believe someone out there exists who will satiate this hunger and I should reserve my energies for them, I do not believe anyone like that will ever come into my life – someone eager, excited and enthusiastic about me in a way that lasts for more than a brief minute, it’s that feeding myself on crumbs is like torture, the hunger makes me feel gross and fantasize about isolating like I said in my last post, — and no I don’t think I can nourish myself on self-love, that’s some money-making self-help bullshit, I’m just ready to be distracted so that need goes low on the priority list of my life and I can focus on aspects of my life that give me something else to gnaw on.