Sometimes my emotions hijack me. They overwhelm me, they drown me, there is heaviness that hits my chest that feels physical. People who relate, know exactly what that feels like, that weight that keeps you anchored in bed, that sensation of walking through molasses as you try to go through the errands of the day, that feeling that everything in your life, which when you are not depressed might be taxing or annoying, but completing it may also be habitual or reflexive, now feels like taking pliers and pulling your teeth out on your own. Or at any random moment, your eyes start to well up or your overtaken by the desire to curl up in the fetal position on the floor.
I am an extraordinarily functional depressive. I am highly productive and accomplished and competent. I don’t miss deadlines, I don’t languish immobilized. I do everything I’m supposed to, it just feels and IS harder in my down periods. Sometimes feels virtually impossible. I always get nervous, anxious that this the time, I’ll fuck it all up. Even if I’ve persevered time and time, I’m always convinced this will be the time, I either combust or decide it’s not worth it.
When I get upset, overwhelmed, unnerved, or triggered — I do all the things one should do to self-soothe. At the point I call you, the pain is so powerful that I feel distraught and hopeless, I want to hear your voice as a point of calm.
When you want me to explain my problems, when you insist on grasping onto every mundane detail necessary to understand context — and then offer practical advice on how to solve my “problems,” I want to scream at you – I don’t fucking need your practical advice. I handle everything, types of crises you haven’t come close to facing, fine. I have been doing that day in and day out. I am not asking for your advice so don’t tell me what to do. When you insist on telling me one by one, the steps I should take, 90% of the time, I’ve already done everything you’ve suggested. Explaining myself and my actions does not soothe me in my heightened emotional state, it just feeds the fire, makes the emotions stronger and more severe.
When you tell me to engage in self-care, or to do something nice for myself- go outside for a walk, or get my nails done, I want to scream, the point of self-care is to find a way to soothe myself. One of the forms of soothing is talking to a friend. Redirecting me to soothe through another means, just signals to me that you are unavailable or unwilling to help, that I should be taking care of this on my own, and also ignores the fact, that I usually don’t pick up the phone to call someone until I’ve already tried all those things to care for myself.
I have a mental illness. My emotions have a mind of them own. They behave in ways that are not in line with reality. I rarely behave in line with my emotions. I have a steady grip on what to do in this life. Don’t tell me how to act or behave. And don’t tell me to stop feelings feelings I have little control over, especially when you can acknowledge I’m being triggered by past trauma. The world has acknowledged how dumb it is to tell a depressed person, don’t be depressed. But I still hear – Don’t be upset. Don’t be mad. Ignore him. Don’t let it get to you. You have to learn not be so affected by people.
That is not helpful. Be with me. Sit with me. Listen to me. Tell me something good. If it’s right. make me laugh. Your patience, the time you take to chat, to see me, that brings me out of the red. Unless you want to offer practical help, like cleaning my house or bring me a meal, don’t offer practical advice.
Engaging in my habit of google searching, I found this article, You Can Talk to Me.
It explains:
It’s tough to see or hear of a friend in crisis. Empathic people often feel a kick to the gut when a person they care about experiences a heart ache. Whether it’s the loss of a spouse, a medical issue with a child, or a painful divorce, a person may be haunted by the pain a loved one is experiencing. Yet, the risk of saying the wrong thing and compounding the hurt is sometimes paralyzing.
One idea to keep in mind is that it is healthy for the distressed person to feel what he or she feels in the moment. Perhaps it is anger or despair. Telling the person not to feel sad or angry usually does them a disservice. Although it is not pleasant to see a friend in emotional pain, what he or she feels needs to be honored and respected. When a person in crisis feels understood, he or she feels less alone and connected to the person who understands.
….
While a friend is telling you about the circumstance, the first and most important step is to listen for feelings, not ways to solve the problem.
After fully honoring the feelings, it is important to ask the friend what would help.
Next, offer reassurance and a “big picture” perspective.” As long as the friend’s feelings were honored and she experienced support, it’s okay to then assist her in gaining perspective.
Finally, follow up. The acute crisis may abate, but some pain will persist. Check in with the friend frequently and send texts or messages that do not require a response but offer love and support. Often a crisis is taxing and talking may be exhausting, or the person isn’t in a space to talk, so sending supportive and empowering messages may help. It’s probable the person may absorb the caring message and be able to continue putting one foot in front of the other.
Inside My Madness 