Through the course of this year, I’ve found myself approaching life differently. I’ve become anti- achievement, anti-goals, anti- career development, anti-career transition. I don’t care about acquiring new skills, gaining new experience /benchmarks, or where I want to be in order to be the most effective proponent for social change.
I’m happy to be given an assignment I think is interesting, that i know how to do, and get paid. I do care if I’m treated with respect and part of that is having my contributions acknowledged or valued and choosing to draw boundaries when that doesn’t happen. I’m not thinking proactively about the future other than how can I save $$ to not work.
I refuse to have benchmarks in my personal life either. No exercise goals, no mile target to run or plans for disciplined workout schedule or yoga poses I want to master.
Instead of “self-care” and the bastardized mindfulness being commercialized, I’m just trying to be slow and do less. And I consequently notice and admire more. I notice personalities of trees, or the butterflies flitting by canal when I’m at stoplight or a birdie splashing in a puddle or the temperature of a cool breeze against my skin coming through my window. I stare at cloud patterns in the sky and shades of greens and blues nature bestows me. I don’t do this with intention or discipline, I just have more space, more time because I’ve chosen to approach things differently. Definitely not because I’m “lucky” compared to peers and not because dancing with death made me value life. I’ve chosen less.
I get my hair dyed rainbow colors or nail art with my gel manicure or buy cute cheap sundresses, not hoping it rejuvenates or refreshes but because I find it entertaining and amusing. And why not? It is not a means to recharge so I can be more productive after the fact.
I realized after spending a lot of money on new age/wellness treatments, what matters most for my health, physical and mental, is a good night’s sleep, an occasional sweaty workout, eating green veggies and not being thirsty. And there’s a way to live my life where these things happen ordinarily, habitually, and without concerted effort that feels like work or makes me feel like I’m underachieving.
I’m not interested in balance, I don’t want to be Goldilocks in a never ending quest to get things just “right,” at some precarious equilibrium on a seesaw that you must constantly be striving for, that feels impossible to maintain and instead creates a perpetual feeling of inadequacy.
I want to Just Be. Be Between. Exert less effort.
I am anti-enlightenment and anti-advice. I refuse to judge others and congratulate myself on getting anything right. I don’t believe there is a magical perspective you can master that makes life easier and more rewarding. I think practicalities matter, environment matters, the prevailing values of your surrounding community matter. I think the privilege of multiple options to make changes offers a paralyzing set of choices that can make anyone unhappy. I think the personal and individual responsibility we feel to achieve success and happiness is counterproductive and even those who know systems of oppression and indiscriminate tragedies determine outcomes are raised to believe and desire an exceptional life that’s been sold as ordinary.
Inside My Madness 