The byproduct of the way I have internalized all my diagnoses and treatment, societal and family messaging is that I can’t trust my emotions.
My emotions overreact, they are disproportionate, they are not in line with reality.
When my emotions overwhelm me, I must do everything to suck it in, talk sense to myself, use my “wise mind” to see things logically, objectively, and reset myself to the baseline so I can be that proper functioning person who contributes to society equally to all others, and shows up for work and doesn’t rely on anyone to take care of me.
But what happens if I trust my emotions? What if my emotions tell me that this person is hurting me, and I need to walk away from them, what if the logic to give them the benefit of the doubt that defies my emotions, that undermines any trust in my emotions, only serves to harm me more?
What if my worth, my sense of self worth, was not connected to my ability to perform to the dictates of a workaholic city, to keep up with my peers, what if when my emotions and illness deplete all of my energy, i don’t push myself, don’t push push push to keep up and I trust my emotions to just take a rest. What if society said that was okay and didn’t judge me for laziness, incompetence? What if they didn’t make me feel like resting for my health was a luxurious vacation that I’m lucky to indulge in when they can’t?
What if when I come up against people abusing power, discriminating against me based on my race, sex, or just feeling threatened and bullying me, what if I don’t rise up and be the bigger person, try to outsmart them or withstand their abuse artfully? What if I collapse into a ball on the floor and honor my emotions? What if my peers in society saw a collective responsibility to lift me up and reform the negative structures rather than asking me, the vulnerable target to take all the personal risks to prompt change?
If I trusted the validity of my emotions, if I truly honored them, would I stop cutting myself? Would I stop revisiting suicide as the only way to end the emotional pain because I will never be able to live a life, the life society expects of me, on par with my peers?
Yes, my depressed mind sees darkness, it’s pessimistic, it probably sees things in black and white. But you know my depressed mind has been right in the past. It warned me of dangers that I was coached to ignore, that I was told were exaggerated.
That’s why I don’t trust your advice.
“Trust your instinct to the end, though you can render no reason.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Inside My Madness 