Oooh I just got this passive voice full-on for a friend. “I’m sorry for how deeply the way I communicate, my pace, etc has been so hurtful. I love you and it’s obviously not my intent, so I’m sorry it is creating that pain between us. I’m trying to be more tender with myself and better at understanding my own limits/boundaries…so hopefully can share …where I’m coming from with my own communication/pacing” “My all-over-the-place-ness doesn’t reflect any of my love for you and I’m sorry it feels so isolating.” “And I understand and acknowledge your frustration, and also believe and hope that you’ve seen me call and check in during difficult moments” “I could have taken some initiative towards that earlier, if I understood better how this was affecting you.”
It goes on. I long ago abandoned the idea of ever confronting people when they hurt my feelings. It was an experiment that went wrong over and over and over again with my parents for years until my therapist taught me how to abandon this approach to avoid their abusive behavior (better just to avoid them).
I suck up my hurt almost all the time, because I don’t want to deal with the defensiveness, the displace of blame.
Justifying one’s behavior, defensiveness, shifting blame is the opposite. But I am easily gaslighted. I will apologize for saying I felt hurt. I will assume blame.
My friend never once said, I’m sorry I was unreliable and inconsistent and wasn’t there for you as friend. Instead it’s always “i’m sorry the nature of who I am causes you hurt, but I have boundaries and limits you must respect.” Also- because I love you, I don’t have to take responsibility for any hurtful actions — my intention negates my action, my behavior.
And I internalize it as, because I can’t see past the natural justifiable behavior to the love, I’m oversensitive, my illness makes me needy, i have too high of expectations. I need to reign in my emotions instead of assign outside blame.
My gut is telling me to walk away, but she pleads for me to be fair to her. I feel like she’s more concerned with her self-image as a good person, than she is repairing the trust that has been broken. She doesn’t want me to ditch her as a friend, b/c many people have done so in the past, and it’s made her feel like a monster when she knows she is not to blame. People take advantage of her. Need/want too much. It’s not reciprocated.
I’ve consulted numerous friends, to gauge an “objective standard” to her behavior. Everyone says it’s time to walk away from her. She’s rude. She’s flaky. She’s never going to change. Focus on the positive relationships in your life.
To disown that blame, tell myself that my hurt is real, rational, justified, and I should trust myself and know that at the heart of hearts, I’m a forgiving person and if there was an ounce of sincerity in her apologies I would welcome her back, so if I react strongly- that’s a sign, trust your emotions. It’s okay, just because you have a mental illness, doesn’t mean all your emotions are overexaggerations, histrionic or unfair. Trust yourself.
Decades of brainwashing stemming from childhood is very hard to undo.
And what if I’m being unfair? If I’m mad and have lost affection for someone, what is the consequence of cutting a friend out of my life? Is there a score card being kept of the transgressions I have committed? Will I be penalized in some sort of afterlife ? (I think not)
Who cares if I am the monster?
Inside My Madness 