As I try to step away from the internal criticism that I’m too sensitive and expect too much, I want to be cognizant and mindful not to fall into the trap of thinking I’m perfect, or explaining away or justifying, in that same defensive tone that unnerves me, the ways I can be inconsiderate to people. A book I really feel like spoke to me, was called “Children of the Self-Absorbed” – and I know that along with being easily manipulated and overly accommodating, I can also mirror some of the narcissistic behaviours of my own parents if I’m not careful.
So I want to be real with myself, not in an overly harsh and judgmental way – of my flaws when it comes to how I interact and treat others.
I know I have a tendency to take up too much space and can be oblivious or have blind spots when this is happening. This can be both physical and interpersonal. I can end up dominating a conversation or speaking too much in a meeting, or I can just be unaware that my stuff(physical belongings) is all over the place. It takes active effort to recognize when this is happening and to step back and check myself. And sometimes people have to remind me and check me. I want to believe I have improved over the years, but am also cognizant that I will commit mistakes in this area and must remain receptive to people calling me out.
I am not punctual and that can be disrespectful. Some of my friends or working colleagues are punctual and many a times I have no valid reason for being late, I just make bad decisions even when it’s inconsiderate.
When I feel cared for, I can fall into a trap of enjoying being babied and fail to be helpful in return or express appreciation or gratitude. If you cook me dinner, I might forget to offer to wash the dishes or do the more appropriate, go ahead and do them against your protestations.
I used to be naturally skinny and I am sometimes talk about my newfound weight issues from a loss of metabolism in a way that must be insensitive to people who have had far harder struggles with weight issues and/or body dysmorphia. I also take for granted that scoring well on standardized tests and meeting high achieving benchmarks has come easily in some ways, with less concerted effort on my part – so even though I’ve suffered other setbacks I may end up being a braggart and invalidating the efforts and minimizing the difficulties other people face who value and seek to reach these benchmarks.
While leaning on my family is emotionally fraught, I have an economic safety net and enjoy enormous privilege because of it. While the stress of high medical bills, and unemployment, and unforeseen costs are very real to me, I must be careful when speaking of these things to acknowledge that I do not to fear poverty and deprivation in the same ways at others, including people in my peer group.
When confronted by my shortcomings, I still have an urge to be defensive and justify even if I do take the criticism to heart and fixate on it. I really care about living up to a standard of being a good person and do not like a light shone on the ways that I fail.
A very silly situation, is when one of my best friends and I used to go out to the bars and dancing together regularly, she would often walk over to a different bar counter and wait a long time to get a special fruity cocktail for herself. And when she’d come back to the dancefloor, she’d offer me a sip and I’d end up drinking the whole thing. This happened repeatedly. When she confronted me, I had no reasonable explanation. I had enough money to get my own drink, and I was just lazy to go stand at the bar and wait in line for myself. So I had to stop. As repentance, I bought her several drinks and then obviously stopped this bad habit.
I want to believe I would do this for bigger/greater matters. I hope the people I love in my life are not scared to say these things to me, but I acknowledge they might be, given my mental illness and fear of me taking it too personal.
But it seems the only times people have come at me, has been after I said I was hurt by their actions. And that gets complicated because I can’t tell what’s going on – if it’s a valid complaint they’ve been holding in or a deflection of any sense of responsibility. Maybe it’s both.
The waters are muddy and I don’t think there are any clear answers, but to try to be reflective and thoughtful.
Inside My Madness 