I give up

That refrain: you need to tell people how to support you. 
I’m over it. I opened this blog to my friends, I send them resources, I articulate my feelings and needs, I gave them clear tools – like writing caring letters consistently and they say they’re not good at emails and are sending me a virtual hug. 
They see my anger and loneliness and rather than demonstrating to me in any way that they’ve confronted their own ableist tendencies, processed the things I’m expressing, that they taken the time to understand my diseases or attempt to acknowledge both my pain and grief with more meaningful sentiments, its “i feel helpless so i haven’t reached out.” im done with it.
I spend hours finding links to send to them they never read and its quite clear doing their own independent Google search is too taxing even it involves the same level of energy as choosing which restaurant to go to or what to order for delivery. 

I don’t want to chat with you because I don’t trust you won’t hurt me. Hurt me as one of my closest friends who I’m staying with, someone i thought i could rely on has demonstrated very clearly that he doesn’t believe me or my pain, has no interest in being emotionally available and shames for me asking for any practical support or not going for a walk outside (scoffing at the statement i had no energy and too much pain) and walks away from me at any mention of my pain or fatigue or fevers let alone demonstrate concern for my mental state.
I can’t afford to open myself up to chat with you if the primary purpose is for you to feel alleviated from your guilt that you hurt me and performatively show how much you care and how i should empathize with your inability to provide any meaningful remotely genuine care.  If numerous people feel exasperated and ask me what I want them to say to me – my response has got to be from now on  goodbye.
I am not going to exert energy and money i don’t have to travel to be in your home if its not a safe space for me to be sick and incapacitated and you need me to prove to you im a good guest.
Im not going to deplete my already impossibly low reserve of energy to mediate others disputes and be forced to argue about matters that pale to the crisis im in.

Im not going to use any more energy to make others feel comfortable when I’m in the worst discomfort of my life.
One friend says i need to feel loved and supported.
But by this point in my life im not delusional that this will come to fruition. There is literally no imaginable place where this could happen (given that even spending time with my sister invites in the unavoidable abuse of my parents. )

And im finally strong enough to say that my disappointment in people is not my fault. And im not going to blame society at large and gives folks an out when my very educated social justice oriented friends have all the resources available to them to know how not to be complicit in my downfall.  They all have the discursive tools- let’s not insult their intelligence. They just don’t care. I can understand why my friendship is low on list of priorities but you’d think knowing I just got news that puts me at high risk of suicide would matter. You’re hands are dirty. Don’t deny yourself your complicity when the time comes.

Im walking away from all of them and it, the role of teacher, of girl in crisis, of the girl whose bright energy brings life to the party.

Im charting my path forward into solitude, into the deep darkness, to protect myself from all the hurt pretending to be love, and i know I am unlikely to survive on my own, but i am ready to succumb.  I give up.