Will to Live

I use this expression a lot —“will to live” – not “reason to live” or “desire to live” but a WILL to live. 

I don’t have a will to live.  It’s been long gone.  I live on this precarious edge of existence, where I try to muster enough energy to stay engaged and remind myself that it takes a lot of energy to kill myself. 

Around this time last year, I remember getting to that point, that suicidal point, where you are totally stumped as to why anyone has a will to live — asking myself, without children or attachment to career, without duty and responsibility and a sense of purpose, how does one reasonably choose to stay alive? 

I was in this beautiful botanical garden at the time, surrounded by the nature that I adore, and got caught in a crazy rain storm that was in of itself a glorious break from the heat.  I was drenched, waiting for the rain to abate to ride a bicycle back to a hotel and drinking a cup of tea in a café made of glass windows. I was staring at a dragon fly  who had gotten caught inside.  And the dragon fly just kept flying straight into the window, over and over and over again. I watched this in despair, and I saw myself in the dragonfly.  It saw the beautiful outdoors, it saw freedom and glory, but everytime it approached it, it went bang into a wall. It might move a little in one direction or the other, but still bang, it flew straight into the window head first. I stared as it went, bang… bang…. bang….  It took a long time for the dragon fly to try find the right different route, there was an open window not too far away. 

When I feel trapped – I know there might be a world on the other side full of joy and freedom, but I can’t get there. I can’t. I fly straight into that window, over and over and over — I bang and I bang, and I bang, and at some point the banging is a death wish, it is me trying to beat myself up to my own death. I managed to escape the trap last year – I redefined my life and it was treacherous and still full of pain, but I felt that freedom, that potential to find good amidst the bad. I wouldn’t say that I found a will to live, or a reason to live or desire to live.  I still tried to die a couple of times. But I found just enough pull towards living, engagement with the world, small responsibilities, a faint scent of freedom drawing me out of bed, moments of joy that enticed me to take baby steps forward….

And then the world stopped.  In quarantine, I am once again that dragonfly trapped in that glass café, that glass house.  I rested.  I then swirled and swirled to take in my surroundings and occupy and entertain myself. But now I want the freedom, now I fly straight into that window again, over and over and over.  But this time the windows are all shut.  The café is closed indefinitely. I bang and I bang and I bang and my death wish resurfaces. 

I can’t be pulled forward, there’s nothing to propel me, there’s only me.  I’m losing my balance on that precarious line between life and death… I want to stumble backwards, I can easily stumble into the world and ensure my own death but not without infecting others, harm I don’t wish to cause. Last year, I abandoned my quest for a will to live, but resolved I wouldn’t embark on the quest to die, it was easier to just be. But life offered me things – it offered me the beauty of new places and waterfalls, kind people with surprising generosity, interesting assignments to challenge my brain.  I didn’t feel trapped, I was slowly but surely given the freedom to redefine the terms of my life even if I still navigated trauma triggers and new pains.   

But now that freedom is gone.  I am biding time.  I can’t live inside the trap.  I just can’t.  Bang… bang… bang……