I injured my back last week…. and had this perfect storm of excruciating physical pain, the run of the mill autoimmune all over body pain and fatigue, an intense wave of depression of total paralysis of doing anything, and then a mixed mania/depression spell of self-harm.
In the midst of all of this I did four job interviews, where everyone was so impressed at what an energetic positive attitude and passion I had.
I’m used to living life with a pebble in my shoe. Several pebbles. There is always an intense discomfort, an irritation, that in one step can be painful, and the next can be fine, and at some point, you just keep walking accustomed to random throbs of pain, you ignore them, you tune them out, you keep walking.
Here’s’ the thing, you always have to keep walking. There’s no time to stop and jiggle your shoe and find the pebbles and take them out. And maybe if you take the time, you get that one annoying pebble out, it’s only a matter of time before a new one is in, creating the same constant sense of discomfort. You realize how futile it even is to take the time to take your shoe off.
Occasionally it occurs to me that other people have lived life without any pebbles in their shoes. When the pain is so bad, that I open my mouth to complain, to utter that the pain is intolerable, as it was this past week, I assume that everyone thinks I’m just being a whiny baby.
I went on a google rabbit hole about the definitions of pain threshold and pain tolerance.
“Pain tolerance is the amount of pain you can take before breaking down. The pain threshold is the point at which pain begins to be felt. Both are entirely subjective.
With pain tolerance, this can mean physically breaking down (passing out, vomiting) or mentally breaking down (crying or screaming uncontrollably).
On the surface, these two concepts can seem similar. However, someone with a low threshold can have a high tolerance and vice versa.
Imagine someone who rarely feels pain (high threshold) but then has a major injury. Because they have little experience dealing with pain, their tolerance might be low. Meanwhile, someone who is in pain all the time (low threshold) may be able to function even at high pain levels if a major injury were to occur.”
Some say people who are depressed, have lower pain threshold, and/or pain tolerance.
But then with regards to people who attempt suicide, research says People who attempt to take their own lives typically have a greater tolerance of physical pain.
I assumed I have both a high pain threshold and pain tolerance. I’ve withstood some horribly painful physical illnesses, like shingles and dengue fever. I have been exposed to high intensities of pain.
With depression, is their misconception that the emotional pain we feel, is just because we have a low threshold? This assumes that the illness itself isn’t the source of the pain. It’s as if the triggers of life, that others handle with grace, we crumble under.
But that’s not how it feels to me. I don’t think most people could live with all the pebbles in their shoes as I have traversed this earth with. I think it would be more soul crushing to them.
So when I finally open my mouth to complain, that the pain is too much, that all this effort to survive, to get the other side, when there’s never any relief on the other side, there’s just a new different source of pain, the new pebble that comes in makes, this whole pursuit not worth it…
Why can’t people see that the PAIN is actually TOO MUCH. It’d be too MUCH for MOST people.
Even with all the supposed de-stigmatization around mental illness…. Trite advice that continues to circulate (don’t tell them to “snap out of it”)… why does it still feel like others think they are stronger, they have a higher pain threshold and tolerance than me, that I’m the weak one.
It’s utterly logical to me, that when that pain reaches those climax points, suicide seems reasonable.
And the energy to pretend, the energy to pretend you’re fine, to withstand the pain with a smile on your face. Is it a chore that’s worth it? When only more pain lies ahead?
I did manage to get one of the pebbles out of my shoe. The others are still there. But I stopped complaining.
But I fucking resent every bullshit framing about resilience and strength. I resent that we embrace those we view as strong and pity those who are weak. I resent that human compassion doesn’t involve an acknowledgement of one’s own vulnerability and weakness.
All the “healthy people” are not as fucking strong as you think. You did not earn your health. You should not pride yourself in your good health. And you should stop looking down at those in pain and pitying them.
I don’t think you could walk a mile in my shoes mother fuckers.
Inside My Madness 