Stop

Stop trying to assign your shitty personal coping methods onto my hardships
Stop minimizing and invalidating all my challenges by focusing on the one slight improvement in my circumstances —- something that might be ephemeral and will magnify my despair if i backslide… — something that when it inevitably happens, i get worse again, I will be make to ashamed to admit it to you and blame myself that I’m responsible for it —
Stop ignoring the fact that alleviation of one symptom is not a recovery…and that it doesn’t seem worthy of celebration and I don’t want to celebrate it. A slight improvement could still be worlds away from a feeling healthy and i don’t want to waste my energy cheering myself on this frustratingly slow and unreliable incremental progress ….
Stop imposing your need to find a silver lining, so that instead of providing me actual emotional support when we speak, I’m forced to reframe my life experiences to cater to your emotional needs and adhere to your need for a universalized narrative that things are around corner from upward trajectory
Stop zeroing in on my life without sharing about your own hardships … when you can’t paint a positive spin on your own life you have the luxury of just avoiding talking about it and i don’t pry anything from you with and extort, “but aren’t your children such sources of joy” or “at least you have a stable source of income” cliches to silence your doldrum frustrations… while it seems okay for you to dig and change the nature of my reality… to feel an obligation to alter my depressed and deficient perspective.
Stop trying to do undo the hard healing work I’ve been on lifelong journey of to deprogram the brainwashing by my parents, who are both Narcissists who lack empathy, never apologize, pathologically lie and are ultimately only self interested. Stop trying to assign their actions more benevolent motives and stop participating in their gas lighting by offering excuses and ultimately suggesting that its my lack of empathy that’s the problem… when psychological experts say over and over the hardest part is realizing the monsters they are,that they aren’t going to change and it’s not my fault and i have to let go.
Stop imagining that the fatigue associated with my illnesses is restful and restorative because you fantasize a break from the pressures of your own life and that oversleeping and being so incapacitated that you are bedridden and homebound sounds nice bc you can’t see past end of your own nose. Stop painting a rosy picture of the imprisonment of illness, what it actually is like to be barely able to care for yourself, to feed yourself when you are hungry, to get up and walk to the bathroom, to open your computer and type … Stop suggesting that being unable to go outside is a hyperbole by keep on asking me if I’m doing it or have I done it — because there’s nothing more i wish I could do and you show me that no one believes the gravity of my pain and illnesses, and you make me even second guess myself and still thinks its a matter of willpower that i’m homebound and I’m to blame for not trying hard enough…
Stop assuming that that others in my life are culprits in me being misunderstood and that you don’t have a hand in it….
Stop insisting that the world is a fair place where my skills will ultimately be valued and appreciated and I’ll ultimate be offered a job or work because of my talents when piling rejections, toxic management’s and high competition is abound in the global economic depression …
Stop assuring me that things outside of my control will work in my favor when everyday the news shows the contrary as the reality for oppressed people…
Stop denying my disabilities…
Can you see me?
Am i real?
The isolation already makes me feel invisible
Stop trying to erase my realities
Stop reframing things you don’t understand that you haven’t experienced from your limited perspective
If you don’t see me, don’t hear me, and i can’t operate in this society and contribute in any meaningful way … or be in any way valued or seen…
Then perhaps my suicide has more to offer than my proclamations whilst alive falling on deaf ears…