Everything i feared and predicted came true, treated like trash and detained by police for trying to make an appointment to get a new mood stabilizer. In trying to get myself safer…. my expressions of frustration and anger at the oppressive bureaucratic systems denying me care …. caused “mental health professionals” to treat me as a criminal, belligerently, silencing me, telling me to be grateful I’m not in handcuffs and only once i became docile, was I told now that i am ‘being nice” to policemen i could use my phone to tell my friends that i had been stolen from my own home against my will..
With no food in my stomach, with every medical person immediately combative and assuming I’m unreasonably uncooperative, the only way out was to swallow any honest emotion, to muzzle myself completely. Explaining that this situation was causing more long term harm and was not making me “safer,” was counterproductive.
You do not make a person who believes a society doesn’t value them, doesn’t care about their well being, that sees themselves as having no worth, who is hopeless and defeated, you don’t keep them safe when you condescend to them, disempower them, and accuse them of making threats when they are just trying to secure care, when u respond to any display of reasonable emotions with confirmation that they are out of control and must be put in place. You don’t create a safe place, make them safe, you put them in danger.
When you distrust them through rude and short statements, why the fuck would they trust you that you want them safe that you have any faculties or resources dedicated to ameliorating their desperation. You create new trauma, new danger and you warn them one wrong word and we legally own you and your liberty. The law for their protection is weaponized for their obedience. We are puritans that do not emote or undermine the value of life, stay in line.
You kill their ability to trust any institution is out to do anything but dismiss any destroy them…
You encourage repression of emotions, you push people further into the shadows, you confirm their beliefs that in society they have no value, no worth and you guarantee that they will never reach out ever again and they will harm themselves far away and in silence… sewing their lips shut, stockpiling the right weapons.
What’s left? If I’m too scared to pull that noose how do i give up ? How do i stay alive with all this pain.. what vice will make me self destruct? How can i die by the hands of another, how do i not implicate myself, where can i assume risk and experience harm under a badge of compassion and not rage and shame.
I have never been so humiliated and dehumanized in all my life than when the law and law enforcement fulfilled their duties to make me safe. This damage can’t be undone. I have no power to expose the horrors embedded in a system so deeply designed to put us in jail and send us to the streets to languish and encourage us to get our suicides right on the first try.
Inside My Madness 