Powerless

They tell me I have all this power. That determination and effort and commitment to values is all I need to find fulfillment and success and to overcome challenges in this life.

I have been seduced by this thinking. This is the ultimate American neoliberal capitalistic – entitled belief… that our successes are all a product of our own hard work and effort and if we are “good enough” if we “try hard enough,” nothing is beyond our reach.

They told me I have the power to heal my body.

They told me I had the power to regulate my emotions.

They told me I had the power to rise above bad actors and prevail in interpersonal conflicts by compassion and direct communication.

They told me there was a secret formula to get everything I want in this life, and if I just tried, failed and learned a lesson from each failure, if I just grew stronger from each hardship, that I would indeed unlock the the answers, the method and way to live that would make everything easier, grander, filled with more joy and success.

They told me that negativity begets negativity and positivity begets positivity

They told me to lead by example.

They told me my disappointments were a product of my having too high of expectations.

They told me this, and I assumed responsibility for my sick body, for any negative or unpleasant emotions, for any problems that arose with any other person. Assuming I had this great power, I overestimated my ability to resolve every situation to the most favorable outcome, and personalized every failure to push past anything that was objectively difficult telling myself I had done something wrong – and imagining there existed a “right approach” i had failed to see or do.

I have overthought and overtried every possible avenue to fix myself and fix even the most minor relationships or miscommunications with others. I am determined to find that secret formula. If things go wrong, I got it wrong, and how could I still be so stupid after all these years of practice.

When people are inconsiderate, and hurt me, when they don’t believe the truth of my physical incapabilities or the gravity of my suicidal behavior, — I didn’t communicate well enough, I didn’t ask in the right way, I didn’t express enough consideration to their circumstances. I had the power to make this right and my hurt is all my own.

When I am always acutely aware of the feelings of everyone around, even minor people, and one of them blows me off, and is inconsiderate, I believe somehow I can say the right thing or behave in the right way, that will bring out the best in them again, to get them to treat me with the affection and care I feel so starved from.

I have the power to fix everything. If i’m good, and thoughtful and figure out the formula, I can make it all better, great, wonderful. If things go awry, then I made a mistake, and I just need to better. They’re inconsideration, that I would never do to anyone, I can fix by being EVEN more considerate.

As I write this, it echoes the stories people I’ve worked with in abusive relationships, a classic domestic violence situation, but here I am, just myself, both the abuser and the abused.

If I am to follow the serenity prayer, and accept the things that I am powerless to change — what is acceptance? Is it lowering your expectations so you don’t feel disappointed? Is it erasing hope? Is it a complacency of knowing people are trash but telling yourself they’re good and just doing the best that they can?

What is a boundary? When is okay to say maybe you deserve better? It’s okay to want and demand more from life and others? That to feel disappointed is okay — because it validates and normalizes the tragedies of our human existence? Or are we behaving entitled to wish for things to be fair and just? Is fair and just — a kind of privileged expectation that our lives should be absent of hardship?

I’ve been meeting new people. I don’t want to get close to anyone. I don’t want to open myself up to the hurt and betrayal that I’m still reeling from in 2020. But even if I invest almost nothing, expect practically nothing, if all i want is a moment of fun, but then the fun runs out in a flash and they do what everyone does, they act like trash. It still hurts. And I still think I’m doing something wrong. I’m still chasing after the formula, like I’m on the search for a pot of gold at the end of rainbow.