It’s so incredibly hard to write a post about the current state of the world. Can I truly share my dark thoughts on this matter, in an honest, no bars way that is the purpose of this forum? Will I insult or harm whatever audience I have by my words, if I capture a feeling … Continue reading The Corona Collective Crisis
Author: khinsaphay
I've chosen to keep my identity private, even though my posts do reveal some personal details about myself. I often like to know more about the writers I read, I think their background might help me analyze their point of view. I apologize that I cannot offer you that, but I hope my words are still valuable.
I give up
That refrain: you need to tell people how to support you. I'm over it. I opened this blog to my friends, I send them resources, I articulate my feelings and needs, I gave them clear tools - like writing caring letters consistently and they say they're not good at emails and are sending me a virtual … Continue reading I give up
You could do it better
So around 2 weeks ago, I received my official diagnosis of the Sjogren's Syndrome, an autoimmune disease which has caused me intense fatigue for past few years and now the additional symptoms of joint pain, low-grade fevers, eye pain are all beginning to show. Chronic Illness Squared. And the ablist reactions I've received have been … Continue reading You could do it better
The Bright Side
Please shut up with your bright sideIt's the last thing a girl needs to hear when she's struggling to surviveWhen she's searching for tools to tie a noose ormastering techniques she needs to cut deepOr wondering whether a room filled with flowers actually succeeds to depriveOxygen to to the brainA romantic way to leave her … Continue reading The Bright Side
Flaws and All
As I try to step away from the internal criticism that I’m too sensitive and expect too much, I want to be cognizant and mindful not to fall into the trap of thinking I’m perfect, or explaining away or justifying, in that same defensive tone that unnerves me, the ways I can be inconsiderate to … Continue reading Flaws and All
Sorry, Not Sorry
Nevertheless, non-apologies tend to ring conspicuously false, being variously couched in ifs, buts, hedges, deflection, qualification, self-absorption, euphemism, defensiveness, obfuscation, and the agentless passive voice (“Mistakes were made”). I’m just sorry I got called out is a common subtext. Oooh I just got this passive voice full-on for a friend. "I'm sorry for how deeply the way … Continue reading Sorry, Not Sorry
Everyone’s been depressed, Everyone’s been fatigued
I discussed this a bit in my Vocabulary of Depression post, but I have once again found myself in a defensive posture. As I am feeling sick now for the third week in a row, with an intense fatigue I now realize that it may be more physical in nature, and everyone recalls their own … Continue reading Everyone’s been depressed, Everyone’s been fatigued
Elusive answers
I think one of the worst parts about having a chronic mental illness and experiencing a range of physical symptoms and/or physical side effects from medicine is that there is never any clarity or answers. Unfortunately, most people in society have a naive belief that things are knowable. That the right doctors and right testing … Continue reading Elusive answers
Depleted
Over the years, even in my non-depressed periods, I've been hit by the energy truck as I like to call it, and it runs over me around every 3-6 months, and I get completed winded and can't do anything. I don't know if it's a result of my depression, or is physical nature, but it … Continue reading Depleted
Trusting my emotions
The byproduct of the way I have internalized all my diagnoses and treatment, societal and family messaging is that I can't trust my emotions. My emotions overreact, they are disproportionate, they are not in line with reality. When my emotions overwhelm me, I must do everything to suck it in, talk sense to myself, use … Continue reading Trusting my emotions
Help
I'm messy and emotional right now and staring at my box of blades and wondering if the only thing that will help me right now is the sight of blood. One of the things that pisses me off to no end, in the spirit of the previous discussions regarding whether you are doing enough to … Continue reading Help
Shame & Blame (Family)
I asked my close friend to read my last post Shame & Blame (Capitalism & Neoliberalism), which I realized was a bit disjointed. (I wanted to make connections between things I had read and my thoughts, but quotes, and quotes within quotes, and my changing narrative voice, it does seem all over the place and … Continue reading Shame & Blame (Family)
Shame and Blame (Neoliberalism & Capitalism)
I see society generally struggling with all the toxic elements capitalism and neoliberal society values and its making people sick. People are trapped in toxic jobs, feeling constantly over-worked, overwhelmed, stressed out, tired, and lonely. And then I see profiteers, people capitalizing on these discontents by selling their brand of wellness, telling people how if … Continue reading Shame and Blame (Neoliberalism & Capitalism)
Random Reflections
Through the course of this year, I've found myself approaching life differently. I’ve become anti- achievement, anti-goals, anti- career development, anti-career transition. I don't care about acquiring new skills, gaining new experience /benchmarks, or where I want to be in order to be the most effective proponent for social change.I'm happy to be given an … Continue reading Random Reflections
Emotional Hijacking
Sometimes my emotions hijack me. They overwhelm me, they drown me, there is heaviness that hits my chest that feels physical. People who relate, know exactly what that feels like, that weight that keeps you anchored in bed, that sensation of walking through molasses as you try to go through the errands of the day, … Continue reading Emotional Hijacking
Inside My Madness 