In my most vulnerable states, I know I have a tendency to accept crumbs of affection from people I’m crushing on. People who come into my life, express some initial level of interest, throw me some crumbs even if I’m skeptical, and once I get the crumbs, consume just the most basic, tiniest bit of … Continue reading Crumbs
Author: khinsaphay
I've chosen to keep my identity private, even though my posts do reveal some personal details about myself. I often like to know more about the writers I read, I think their background might help me analyze their point of view. I apologize that I cannot offer you that, but I hope my words are still valuable.
The Fantasy of Isolation
I had it in my head to post an article about Validation – deconstructing the myths that all outside validation is bad, and we should be self-affirming, about how, as I’ve recounted in some links, to properly validate one another’s pain, particularly for those of us suffering from mental illness - but even for everyone … Continue reading The Fantasy of Isolation
The Good Ones
I know my blog is a place for me to vent and unload and share my dark thoughts. But since my illness plays tricks on me to overemphasize the bad and undervalue the good, I'm going to take a moment to value the good I drew this drawing recently, it describes how I feel imprisoned … Continue reading The Good Ones
I’m over it
So I just tried to confide in a friend – regarding my suicide attempt and to complain that our mutual friend who knew the day of when it happened, wrote to me in the aftermath about other topics, but did not circle back to ask me how I was doing. The conversation is as follows: … Continue reading I’m over it
Be The Bigger Person
One of the therapeutic benefits to writing this blog is a way to examine emotions I’ve otherwise repressed. Looking at my posts- the biggest, most obvious one, is anger. When I write, I express anger, I say fuck you, I am mad, frustrated, I am sardonic, and biting. In real life, I am never these … Continue reading Be The Bigger Person
Part 3: What’s a Suicide Attempt?
I may have tried to kill myself this past weekend…. Twice. I was more in what my previous therapist would probably call my dysphoric hypomanic state, hijacked by emotions and impulsive, than the cold deliberate planning suicidal side of me that takes the time to think of how to commit my suicide ethically – if … Continue reading Part 3: What’s a Suicide Attempt?
Great Expectations
There was a famous study once regarding the depression, that has prompted a debate – are depressed people pessimists – or actually are they realists? (Depressive Realism) Is everyone else wearing rose-colored glasses to see the world and overestimating their own abilities and the good that will come their way? Do rose-colored glasses actually act … Continue reading Great Expectations
How Dare You?
After knowing me for three days, after I shared my vulnerabilities in a group space dedicated to “learning to listen,” you decide you know me, you decide you can tell me what my “problem,” you use the most prototypical “global labeling” cognitive distortion and tell me, “I always ‘project’ everything!” in response to me becoming … Continue reading How Dare You?
The Depression Vacation
During my 2015 in-patient psychiatric hospitalization, something clicked during my last day of art therapy, and my teacher gave me the tools to try something different with emotions, draw them. This is one the pieces I drew after my discharge. Whereas I was open with some of my other dark drawings at the time, posting … Continue reading The Depression Vacation
The World Around Me
I recently re-read a long-ago old blog of mine I kept, which was started as a way for friends and family to follow me through my travels instead of reading mass email updates, and then devolved into a diary, that I am pretty sure had a viewership of one, me. What struck me reading back, … Continue reading The World Around Me
Medication
What can I say about medication? If I am being totally honest, I don’t know if I believe medications work. It’s not that I don’t think my illness has a biological component and I believe medication definitely has brought many people relief, but for myself, I do not know if it’s ever made even the … Continue reading Medication
Gifts from the Universe
There’s the matter of my disease, which I write about, but a topic I’ve stayed away from, is the story of my life. I, no doubt, have had enormous privilege in my life, and because of the nature of work I do, working on behalf of incredibly disenfranchised populations --- I am acutely aware of … Continue reading Gifts from the Universe
“Living My Best Life”
When I post a photo on social media, or send it along through email, I will often get the response: “Keep living your best life.” I find it incredibly confusing. Along with the photos, if anyone was paying attention to the text of anything I was sharing, I was talking about my search for a … Continue reading “Living My Best Life”
Showing Up
In my previous posts, I have touched on what it means for me for the people in my life to Show Up when I’m sick. From the Caring Letters approach to suicide prevention I refer to in Is “Suicide Survivors’” Grief a Lie?, to listing the simple things people do that actually help at the end … Continue reading Showing Up
What Sticks
As I child, I was told I held grudges. That my excellent memory and ability to recall details from the past could be a gift but was also a curse. I did not let go. I held onto things and unjustly used them against people in the future. It was a convenient way for anyone … Continue reading What Sticks
Inside My Madness 