Will to Live

I use this expression a lot ---“will to live” – not “reason to live” or “desire to live” but a WILL to live. I don’t have a will to live. It’s been long gone. I live on this precarious edge of existence, where I try to muster enough energy to stay engaged and remind myself … Continue reading Will to Live →

The Fantasy of Isolation

I had it in my head to post an article about Validation – deconstructing the myths that all outside validation is bad, and we should be self-affirming, about how, as I’ve recounted in some links, to properly validate one another’s pain, particularly for those of us suffering from mental illness - but even for everyone … Continue reading The Fantasy of Isolation →

Part 3: What’s a Suicide Attempt?

I may have tried to kill myself this past weekend…. Twice. I was more in what my previous therapist would probably call my dysphoric hypomanic state, hijacked by emotions and impulsive, than the cold deliberate planning suicidal side of me that takes the time to think of how to commit my suicide ethically – if … Continue reading Part 3: What’s a Suicide Attempt? →

Gifts from the Universe

There’s the matter of my disease, which I write about, but a topic I’ve stayed away from, is the story of my life. I, no doubt, have had enormous privilege in my life, and because of the nature of work I do, working on behalf of incredibly disenfranchised populations --- I am acutely aware of … Continue reading Gifts from the Universe →

Showing Up

In my previous posts, I have touched on what it means for me for the people in my life to Show Up when I’m sick. From the Caring Letters approach to suicide prevention I refer to in Is “Suicide Survivors’” Grief a Lie?, to listing the simple things people do that actually help at the end … Continue reading Showing Up →

Not Today

What do we say to the God of Death? Not Today. I am at a strange moment in my life. I tried to build a new life for myself diligently, escaping what felt like a toxic narrative loop, and even embraced the uncertainty of how it would turn out. Then it came crumbling down in … Continue reading Not Today →

Part 2: Is “Suicide Survivors’” Grief a Lie?

I recently had suicidal thoughts that have moved back into the realm of actively planning…I spent a day and half figuring out how to get euthanized in Switzerland, how I would sell assets to finance my suicide trip, when to call the bank to change the beneficiaries for my money to a trust for my … Continue reading Part 2: Is “Suicide Survivors’” Grief a Lie? →

Part 1: Am I Suicidal?

I had two alternate plans. I knew the route I would drive my car up the Henry Hudson parkway as if commuting to work, the concrete wall I wanted to drive my car into which was the pillar of a bridge selected to ensure I avoided harm to others, and the approximate speed, 50 mph, … Continue reading Part 1: Am I Suicidal? →