Stop trying to assign your shitty personal coping methods onto my hardshipsStop minimizing and invalidating all my challenges by focusing on the one slight improvement in my circumstances ---- something that might be ephemeral and will magnify my despair if i backslide... --- something that when it inevitably happens, i get worse again, I will … Continue reading Stop →

As a young girl i made a deal with the devilInvisible to most, already a ghost,I craved the attention that others revel inbrown skin, few friendsAll I had were my books and my child hard skills of perception thatI had been secretly perfecting With a potion of sandPoured over meI'd be glittering and shimmering Subtle … Continue reading Make Believe Magic →

Last year I spoke of the Fantasy of Isolation…. About how I hated my own neediness and would prefer to be self-reliant. My mental illness morphs and changes and I’m never sure what set of “coping tools” I’ll need at any given moment for the emotions that take over me… sometimes it feels like “run … Continue reading Quality Connections →

I injured my back last week…. and had this perfect storm of excruciating physical pain, the run of the mill autoimmune all over body pain and fatigue, an intense wave of depression of total paralysis of doing anything, and then a mixed mania/depression spell of self-harm.  In the midst of all of this I did … Continue reading Pebbles in my Shoe →

I know it's not personal, but my life trajectory seems to keep take turns of cruel jokes. When I took a job for half the salary at a tiny org, to escape a corporate-like workplace, bullying and toxic environment and too long work hours, my boss bullied me and let me go the Friday before … Continue reading Cruel Joke →

You know that naive hope- that moment that you believe in signs, or a "little gifts from the universe," that glimmer of chance that, things will all "fall into place," ---you are not only stupid enough to believe, but to repeat aloud to others, but then, when a stroke of news confirms that once again … Continue reading Foolish →

It’s been a year since I started this blog.  At the time I was trying to figure out how to start over once again, after I realized the country I tried to build a life in was so racist towards me that I feared for my physical safety.  I didn’t know if I could do … Continue reading Resolve →

It’s never just the one thing.  The one thing, you can minimize, that you can resolve, that you can turn into a lesson or find the silver lining from.  With trauma, whether collective trauma from a long history of injustice, or personal trauma from individual struggles, or likely some kind of compound of the both… … Continue reading It’s Cumulative →

I feel too much. My feelings have such an enormous power over me. I am the eye of the tornado of my feelings whirling around me, trapped.  My feelings are a tsunami, thrashing me, pulling me under, drowning me.  I pray to die, but my reflexes betray me.  My feelings make me suffer, but won’t … Continue reading I feel too much →

Not all parents love their children. Love shouldn’t be hurtful and harmful and painful -without ever an ounce or sliver of feeling good.  You shouldn't have to count that as love. In times of need, some parents are the worst fallback.  When parents have a long track record of harming their children’s mental health, they … Continue reading Hard Truths →

You may think yourself magnanimous in the ways you supported me over the years --- but I protected you from my illness, I was very careful to never ask for too much, never lean too hard, to be cognizant of your limits… When I was burglarized and being bullied at work and relapsed badly and … Continue reading I protected you →

I’m in the process of tearing down the pedestal I’ve propped “perfect’ people on. I’m finally recognizing how my vision --- of a good life --- of being a good person---- got thwarted, how it’s been narrowly defined, how those who I deemed led “charmed” lives – may also have unexamined lives, lives that lack … Continue reading Perfect People on a Pedestal →

The quarantine experience has given me a stillness and stability and lack of logistical hell and responsibilities that have been a bizarre form of controlled testing conditions about my mental illness.  Of course I am not unaffected by the stress in the ether regrading the global pandemic but now I’ve been able to witness how … Continue reading Waves →

I feel like I was raised with this underlying belief, that was probably very “American” and part of “imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy”  --- that only good things should happen to good people. So whenever tragedy struck, from anything as serious as death or illness, to a lighter rejection – there would be an indignance.  “He / she … Continue reading Bad Things Happen to Good People →