When I was 15, and I got my official diagnosis, I went on a quest to learn about and understand my illness and to fight that isolation where it seemed no one shared all these feelings I was having, all the suffering. This was 1996, so I went to my local public library and checked … Continue reading What Resonates
Not Today
What do we say to the God of Death? Not Today. I am at a strange moment in my life. I tried to build a new life for myself diligently, escaping what felt like a toxic narrative loop, and even embraced the uncertainty of how it would turn out. Then it came crumbling down in … Continue reading Not Today
Love is Off Limits
For as long as I can remember, I have always had this deeply held belief that the world of love, real romantic love and caring, is off limits to me. I am not sure if it pre-dates the onset of my mental illness at age 12 or coincides with it, but it’s clearly entangled with … Continue reading Love is Off Limits
The Happy Mask
I have continually strived to be more authentic, more open, more real about my struggles. I wore a happy mask for most of my life. That first hospitalization at age 15, the dangers of the mask was my biggest epiphany. That the energy and time I expended pretending I was fine was creating a schism … Continue reading The Happy Mask
Have you tried to meditate? Oh, Fuck off.
Have you tried to meditate? Because I found it really helped me…… Oh fuck off already. Have you used St. John’s Wart? Have you checked your thyroid? Have you been exercising regularly? Do you practice yoga? Have you done Cognitive Behavior Therapy? You just need to learn to combat your negative thinking. A multivitamin? Do … Continue reading Have you tried to meditate? Oh, Fuck off.
Dissecting a Diagnosis.
I traditionally put a lot of stock in a diagnosis. It made, what was otherwise dismissed or denied in my adolescent years as teenage angst, feel real, acknowledged, validated. That need for a diagnosis persisted over the years, it felt like the only way I could get the world to see I wasn’t lazy, too … Continue reading Dissecting a Diagnosis.
Vocabulary of Depression
We lack the vocabulary to discuss depression. People have desperately tried to distinguish ordinary sadness from depression. We rely on slew of insufficient metaphors as described in this link. We tell the world, we can’t get out of bed, we describe it as excruciating emotional pain or joy-less malaise, we emphasize it’s physical manifestations reciting … Continue reading Vocabulary of Depression
Sources of Shame (A Comedic Post)
I drink with my morning coffee with MILK & SUGAR, I prefer Swiss Miss hot chocolate and brownies from a box like Betty Crocker to any fancy single serving $5 variety at a café or bakery, I like listening to radio stations with hosts that play popular music and have never once listened to anything … Continue reading Sources of Shame (A Comedic Post)
Part 2: Is “Suicide Survivors’” Grief a Lie?
I recently had suicidal thoughts that have moved back into the realm of actively planning…I spent a day and half figuring out how to get euthanized in Switzerland, how I would sell assets to finance my suicide trip, when to call the bank to change the beneficiaries for my money to a trust for my … Continue reading Part 2: Is “Suicide Survivors’” Grief a Lie?
Part 1: Am I Suicidal?
I had two alternate plans. I knew the route I would drive my car up the Henry Hudson parkway as if commuting to work, the concrete wall I wanted to drive my car into which was the pillar of a bridge selected to ensure I avoided harm to others, and the approximate speed, 50 mph, … Continue reading Part 1: Am I Suicidal?
And Still I Cut
I cut myself. In reality, it probably looks more just like a scratch. I do like to use a razor blade. If I can, I’ll buy proper industrial ones- I can get a 10-pack delivered in 2 days with Amazon Prime. If the urge is too immediate, and I don’t have my stash, whatever ladies … Continue reading And Still I Cut
My Opening Disclaimers
While I consider this a mental health blog, I must be clear--- I offer no advice, no lessons learnt, no proposed solutions. This is my space to give the world a window into my head, to move past the generalities of describing mental illness, the generic oft-repeated statements of how the depths of depression are … Continue reading My Opening Disclaimers
Inside My Madness 